So Jonathan called me on Christmas Eve.

So you think you can stomp me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die?

Sorry. Listening to "Bohemian Rhapsody." I hate Queen, except for that one song, which I love. Kind of like Crazy Town and "Butterfly."

Mrs. Lupien was over, and so was my brother Chris (31, single, in a wheelchair because of cerebral palsy), and of course me and my parents. I was sitting in the den listening to the adults blab and planning my escape. The phone rang. My mother answered it. "It's for you," she said. "It's a boy."

"Not another one!" joked Mrs. Lupien. I made a dismissive noise, figuring it was Robert as he is the only guy who ever calls me. Robert is interesting and everything, but he's always going on about these games he's made up and expects me to play, and I don't want to play them.

I took the phone. I greeted my caller. My caller greeted me. My eyes got huge and I immediately started blushing, so I ran into the guest bedroom and hid from the assorted old people.

He had called to thank me for the Tool shirt I got him. He claimed it was his new favorite shirt. Wished me a merry Christmas. I responded in kind. That was about it. I was actually in a hurry to get him off the phone because I didn't want him to think I drooling over his every word, which of course I was. Then I wished I had kept him on longer. Oh well, wouldn't have made any difference.

Random weird but true fact: Bobbie likes a guy named Johnathan, who happens to be my cousin. Jamie likes a guy named Jonathan, who is neither her brother (that would be my Jonathan) or my cousin, but the student teacher in chemistry. Jonathan the Chemistry teacher is a former student of my dad, who found out that Jonathan liked The X-Files, as I used to, and I ended up using his name as Krycek's alias in Zoe and my's fanfic, Beyond Salvation.

Jamie and Jonathan went to California for about a week after Christmas, to visit Jack and Jean. Lucky lucky. I'm going back this summer, although since my mom lost her job I have to pay for the airfare myself. That's only fair, though. While Jamie was there, she procured a picture that I had requested, one that was taken while I was visiting last summer.

Jamie, me, and Jonathan, holding our instruments after our mini-recital.

School started back up nearly two weeks ago, and Jonathan and I haven't spoken since. Except when he wore his Tool shirt one day, and I said "nice shirt" and he said "thanks."

Ben seems to feel that his mission in life is to get Jonathan to ask me to the prom. He told Jonathan a long time ago that he should ask me, and Jonathan merely said he would think about it. I was kind of annoyed when Ben told me about that (several months after the fact), because it's none of his business, and he originally told me that they were just talking about slide trombones. But I wasn't too terribly upset, because not only did Jonathan not refuse the idea outright, but he and Ben were alone at the time so none of Jonathan's quasi-friends got any ammo.

That has changed, however. The other day Ben marched over to Jonathan, in front of all his quasi-friends, and heavily insinuated that I wanted Jonathan to ask me to the prom. That time I was really ticked. He made it sound like I had asked him to go over there, like I can't handle my own affairs.

And I really have no idea how I feel about prom. I want to go, of course, and although I do have crushes on other people, the only person I would want to go with is Jonathan. What I feel for him is so strong it basically wipes out the effect of my other crushes. Homecoming was the best night of my life, and prom would be even better.

But after homecoming, Jonathan started ignoring me, claiming he wasn't ready for a relationship, getting all scared and pretending nothing ever happened. It did. We connected that night, in a way that was completely new and wonderful for both of us. If he could throw that away, he could throw prom away. I don't want to be treated like that again. It makes me feel like his dog. Or his whore. Used.

It gives me great pleasure to imagine Jonathan's reaction if I refused his invitation. He would me mortified. But I doubt he'd learn anything from it -- not because he can't, but because he doesn't want to. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

I told Jamie I wouldn't go anywhere with her brother unless he promised it wouldn't turn into another homecoming. If I could just get him to promise that....

I want to say yes. I need to say no. I should say maybe.

Maybe he won't even ask and I won't have to deal with it. I don't know why I'm thinking about it right now. Prom is months away. Still, all the girls are starting to talk about their dresses.

Stupid prom. No more prom ponderings.

I read Carrie. It was creepy. I also read Where Angels Fear to Tread. It was stupid. I had to read the latter (certainly not the former, though that would be lovely) for English, as did Kevin McNamee. The rest of the class got to read A Separate Peace, but Mrs. Webb wouldn't let us two because we've already read it. I bought it last summer at Barnes & Noble and read it for my own entertainment. It's one of my favorite books now. Just wait, I bet none of my classmates will like it.

I have been forced into trying out for All-Region band by my mother and Mr. and Mrs. Wells (the high school and junior high band directors, respectively). My directors have been trying to get me to go since seventh grade, but I'm too lazy to practice and the music always scared me. This year, however, Mr. Wells practically shoved me and my audition music into a practice room. He informed me that I was going to try out, and whether or not I was prepared was up to me. He can do that because the try-outs are here this year. The clarinet room is Mrs. Webb's, actually. I'm getting a bit excited about the whole thing now that I've practiced some. Hopefully I'll make second band and win a fun all-expenses paid weekend in Jonesboro with Region 8's other band nerds.

Jamie's trying out. She probably won't make it. Flute competition is stiff this year, while clarinet is unusually light. Ben is trying out. He may or may not make it, as he's barely practiced. Andrea's trying out. She won't make it because she hasn't practiced at all. Rachel's trying out. She'll make either top of second or bottom of first. Jeremy and Jonathan are trying out. They'll both make first band, and I wouldn't be surprised if they both got first chair.

I finally wrestled a prescription for Accutane out of my doctor, so now my zits are clearing up. I'm also on birth control, because that's how it has to be when a girl's on Accutane. I told the doctor that I've never even kissed a guy, but evidently that makes no difference.

We're reading MacBeth in English too. We performed it out loud today. I was Lady MacBeth, because half the school already thinks I'm going to kill them. Or maybe that's just Chris Kohler. No matter, they're all fools, and I haven't the faintest desire to kill anyone, though I do know a few people who could use a good kick in the shins.

Exactly one month till Valentine's Day.

Goody.